Articles From Previous Issues

grief: helping the recovery process

BACK TO Wellness Library

Studies show that those who openly grieve heal much faster than those who repress or avoid their feelings. Running away from grief postpones sorrow; clinging to grief prolongs pain. Neither leads to healing. The grieving process is nature's way of helping us heal.

If you've had a recent loss, keep the following in mind:

• Talk about your sorrow. Seek comfort from those who will listen and accept your feelings.
• Forgive yourself. Work through any guilt or "should haves" by acknowledging them and expressing your feelings.
• Take care of yourself. Exercise, maintain a balanced diet, get plenty of rest and make time for relaxing activities that clear your mind.
• Start something new in your life. When you're ready, find interesting things to do, like taking a class, volunteering, joining a book club, traveling or adopting a pet.
• Get help. If you are in great distress or feel very depressed, talk to your family doctor, who may want to refer you to a counselor.

Helping Those Who Are Grieving

If you know someone who is grieving, these suggestions may help.

• Reach out and listen. Ask about the deceased and allow the person to talk freely.
• Offer to help. Offer to do simple tasks at home or work.
• Include the grieving person in your social life. Grieving people don't necessarily want to be alone, but they may need encouragement to rejoin social situations.
• Pay attention to these signs. Signs of weight loss or gain, substance abuse, depression, prolonged sleep disorders, physical problems and talk about suicide require immediate attention. Suggest the grieving person talk to his or her doctor or a counselor.

Helping a child grieve

It is difficult to help a child to understand death. There are no simple formulas for accomplishing this task. Helping children is especially hard when parents are upset and have their own difficulties dealing with the death of a loved one.

3 Keys to help a child cope with death

Grief experts have identified three keys to help a child cope with death, accept the loss and move forward with their life:

1. The child receives prompt, accurate information about what has happened and is allowed to ask all sorts of questions, which adults answer as honestly as possible, acknowledging that they do not know the answer if that is the case.
2. The child is allowed to participate in the family grieving, both publicly and privately.
3. The child has easy access to a trusted parent or other adult who can be relied upon for comfort and a continuing relationship.

Follow these suggestions to help a child through the grieving process:

• Immediately after the child has been informed of the death, let them know that you will be there to help them; that they are free to talk about how they feel; that they can ask questions and you'll try your best to answer them.
• Continually reinforce the message: "You're feelings are important to me, and I will find time to listen to them."
• Recognize that everyone deals with hurt and confusion in their own way and children need the leeway to grieve in whatever way they can, and at their own pace. If the child expresses feelings or actions that differ from your own, respect the differences. Most Important: It is the recognition, acceptance, and validation of each emotion as it occurs that lets the child move from one emotional state to another so that grief can be completed.
• Educate yourself with books from your local library or bookstore. Many include age-appropriate examples about how to tell a child that someone has died, when to tell them and what to say.