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Talking To Your Aging Parents About Their Final Wishes

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A recent survey by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) found that nearly 70 percent of adult children have not talked to their parents about issues related to aging and end of life. Experts recommend that discussions about end of life issues should take place when things are going well, before there is a crisis and decisions must be made hastily. Use the “40/70” rule, aging experts say. If you are over 40 and your parents are over 70, you need to be talking about the issues older people face. According to another AARP study, most elderly parents actually feel better about having these kinds of discussions as part of their planning for the future. Such discussions, they say, help them live life the way they wish.

Tips for talking with aging parents

• Use your own planning, or a friend or relative’s illness or death as an opportunity to start a discussion.
  
• Communicate directly and honestly. Let your parents know that you want to work together to meet their needs for the future.
  
• Avoid role reversal, where you become the parent. Treat your parents as equals. Your job is to allow them to retain as much independence and control as possible.
• Don’t expect to work out an entire plan in one sitting. Expect that the discussion will be ongoing. Each time the topic is revisited, it should become more comfortable.
• Find out your parent’s wishes. What is most important to them? What are their needs and concerns about the future? How do they want to be cared for as they grow older? How great is your parent’s need for independence?
• Ask if your parents have worked with an attorney to draft important legal documents, including: a will or trust, medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney and living will. Be sure you are familiar with the purpose and importance of each of these documents.
• Involve the entire family. Siblings, spouses or other extended family members can participate in family discussions with your parents about their needs and help make decisions. They can also take turns providing care or other assistance.

Recommended Reading: How To Care For Aging Parents by Virginia Morris. A very comprehensive resource on the medical, emotional, legal and financial issues involved in caring for an elderly parent.