tips for dealing with difficult family members |
Is there someone in your immediate or extended family who gets on your nerves? Do you sometimes find yourself distracted or impatient at work because you are thinking about a mother-in-law, brother-in-law, parent, child, or sibling who was insensitive or obnoxious during a recent phone call or visit?
"You are not alone," says Leonard Felder, Ph.D., author of WHEN DIFFICULT RELATIVES HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. Felder interviewed 1,358 men and women about their family situations and found that over 70% of us have a frustrating or difficult relative who keeps stirring up conflicts. Felder suggests, "It's normal to have some stressful family interactions and your relatives probably won't change overnight. But there are specific things you can do to significantly change how you respond to these difficult individuals who are in your life for the long-haul."
Are You Carrying Unfinished Business About a Family Member?
Felder warns of five crucial signals that your family stresses are starting to affect you physically or emotionally. See how many of these sound familiar about you or someone you know:
If one or more of these signals ring true for you, there are two different ways to respond. The most common response is "denial." According to Dr. Felder, "The majority of people attempt to ignore that there are frustrating issues happening in their family." On the other hand, there is a healthier way to respond—to use proven techniques for dramatically improving your family interactions.
Suggestions To Help
Rather than letting your unresolved family conflicts continue to eat away at your insides, there are specific steps you can take, including:
Build a stronger alliance with the family members you do enjoy. Make sure you set aside a few minutes each week or each month to check in and strengthen the connection you have with siblings, cousins, in-laws and relatives who are sensible and caring. You might even ask one of your more well-respected relatives to speak up on your behalf the next time you are having a conflict with one of your more difficult family members. Felder recommends, "Ask ahead of the next family gathering for your most supportive relative to say to your often-critical family member, 'Hey, that's enough negative comments about Chris. From now on, let's find something positive to talk about when the family gets together."
Remind yourself whenever necessary of the higher reason why you're trying to learn to deal with this person. It might be that this difficult relative is married to someone in your family that you do love and that you don't want to hurt. Or it might be that dealing with this challenging family member is an opportunity to learn important lessons about patience, persistence, setting good limits, or making an outsider feel welcomed. Or it might be that you and this other person are both a little too stubborn and possibly this family conflict is a chance to work on finding a middle ground. Make sure to keep your higher reason in mind so that your efforts will feel worthwhile.
Be prepared to set "compassionate limits" with your difficult relative. Instead of letting this person treat you like a doormat, or else raging in anger when he or she treats you badly, a more effective and mature approach is to set "compassionate limits." You can be compassionate but firm as you say, "I care about you and I know you care about me. So let's take a few minutes with each of us suggesting what we can do to make our next phone call or visit more satisfying for both of us." Felder suggests, "Instead of your reacting like a frustrated child, I've found with hundreds of counseling clients that when you take charge and offer these 'compassionate limits' you will sound and feel like a competent manager and a worthwhile adult. You will be preventing the usual power-struggle with this negative relative and instead turning your conversation with this person into a creative brainstorming session that uncovers positive alternatives."
Make sure to set small, achievable goals for what constitutes success with a difficult relative. If your relative has a basic personality that is hyper-critical, extremely self-absorbed, or exceedingly stubborn, don't set up an unrealistic expectation that this person is going to be easy. Instead, Felder recommends that you set for yourself a realistic small goal that will allow you to feel successful. For example, if a ten minute phone call or a two hour visit is the most you can handle with a particularly unpleasant relative, don't volunteer for a sixty minute phone call or a seven day visit that is bound to turn out badly. Or if your relative has a habit of giving you too much advice, set a new realistic goal for your interactions, such as: "I'll listen to one piece of advice and say, 'That's interesting. I'll consider it,' without getting into a big debate or war this time." When it comes to difficult family members, it's good enough to just keep your interactions brief and civil, while remembering to say to yourself, "I don't need to change this person's basic personality—I just need to stay healthy, calm and relaxed no matter what he or she does."
Pick one location, activity or topic you and this person both enjoy. Rather than just repeating the same old interactions that haven't worked for years, why not try something new this time—be proactive and schedule a brief activity that has a high likelihood of bringing out the best in both of you. Is there a TV show, a type of movie, an art museum, a music event, a nature walk, or some old family photo albums that the two of you can do together peacefully? Make sure you set up at least one successful way of connecting with this person so you can build up some resilience for when he or she becomes difficult once again.
Recommended Reading
WHEN DIFFICULT RELATIVES HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE, by Leonard Felder, Ph.D., includes dozens of practical tips for improving family gatherings and resolving family conflicts throughout the year. For more information, log on to www.difficultrelatives.com.
