better parenting: discipline, not punishment |
Discipline, punishment, what's the difference? Let's look at the some brief definitions of both to see if there is a difference.
It would seem that discipline refers to growth and development through the use of instruction, education, experience and example, whereas punishment refers to punitive action taken to hurt or inflict pain. Which of these do you think is best for a child, adolescent or young adult?
Every parent wants their child to grow and become the best adult, the best person they can be. By providing your child with discipline you begin to teach your child the values, morals and boundaries that will make him/her the best they can be. When children "act out" or test the limits, they are doing what nature intended. Children need limits, they need to know where acceptable behaviors begin and end. They test the limits of their world because it's their job to do so. Your job, as a parent, is to set the limits and be consistent. Yes, it is a very tough job, but it will only be tougher if you're not consistent.
Things to Remember:
Treat your child with respect.
Give your child the same respect you would give to any other adult or someone else's children. Don't scream at your child or belittle your child for their mistakes. How would you feel if your boss did that to you on the job? We all make mistakes. The idea is to learn from them so we don't make the same mistake again.
Deal with issues, not anger.
If your child does something that makes you angry, take a time out before you speak. Don't let the heat of the moment compound the situation. Take a moment. Talk it over with your spouse. If your spouse is not available, tell your child that there will be consequences for their behavior and you will let them know what those consequences are when you've had an opportunity to talk it over with your partner. In fact, most parenting literature would tell you that it is always best to make joint decisions about consequences.
Do away with double standards.
When it comes to parenting, the old axiom, "Do as I say, not as I do," doesn't work. Hypocrisy is not lost on children or young adults. If you don't want your child to smoke and they see you light up, what message does this send to him/her? Make an honest assessment of your own behavior and try to change those behaviors in yourself that you would not find acceptable in your child.
Be supportive.
Try to accept, support and validate your child. The idea is that the behavior needs to change, not "the child is bad." Work with your child to come up with solutions to the problems at hand. This teaches your child that they are capable and can deal with life's problems. You will be setting your child up to succeed as an adult, giving him/her the tools they need to overcome and correct their problems.
Emphasize the good in what your child does.
Children seek support, love and approval. Explain why something is wrong. Let your child know that you understand why they did what they did and why it was wrong. Work with your child, let them come up with the answers to what is right. Validate your child and set consistent limits.
