parenting through separation and divorce |
Separation and divorce are hard enough on adults, much less adolescents or children. Parents going through relationship difficulties or the dissolution of marriage are sometimes so caught up in their own emotional turmoil they forget that their children can easily become victims. It is very common for people to forget they are parents and focus solely on the anger, disappointment or feelings of betrayal associated with their spouse or significant other. To children, the loss of their parents’ relationship is tantamount to the end of the world. The parents that nurtured and protected them are now the same people who fight, yell, and say bad things to each other.
As difficult as these situations can be, here are a few do’s and don’ts which you should keep in mind if you are going through a separation or divorce and have children of almost any age:
DO’S:
1. Do make sure the children know they are loved and will be taken care of. Reassure them that you will be there for them no matter what happens.
2. Do prepare your children for the changes that will be taking place in their family. Sit down and talk to them on a level they can understand about what they can expect in the near future.
3. Do allow your child to express their feelings. They may be feeling fear, anger, anxiety or uncertainty. It is normal for them to be feeling these things and it is important for you to normalize their feelings and let them know that having these feelings is all right.
4. Do let your child know that the divorce or separation was not their fault. It is very common for children to believe that somehow they are responsible for the difficulties you are having with your spouse. Quite often they harbor the fantasy that they can somehow get you back together again if they just behave better or follow the rules or don’t do anything wrong. It is important for you to discuss these issues with them and allay their fears.
DON’TS:
1. Don’t fight in front of your children. If you disagree, do it in private, between adults and keep the kids out of it. Remember to always show unity to your children. You may not always be married, but you will always BOTH be their parents. You need to put aside your personal differences and continue to parent your children.
2. Don’t cover up or lie about what is happening to the family. Children always know, on some level, when something is going on or different in their family. You can’t keep it from them, so don’t even try. Focus on keeping your communication "age appropriate."
3. Don’t use the children to carry angry messages to the other parent. Children need to know that both their parents love and care about them. Using children as messengers demeans them and causes them to have to take sides. Don’t put your children in the position where they have to choose. It is difficult enough on them already.
4. Don’t tell children marital secrets or personal details. Keep them out of your business. Keeping healthy boundaries between parents and children is even more important at this time.
5. Don’t involve the children in legal or financial issues. Whenever possible, don’t make them choose between you, legally or otherwise. Equal custody, with parents who are consistent with the rules, contributes greatly to positive, healthy outcomes for children of divorce.
6. Don’t try to elicit emotional support from your kids. Your children need your support. Get emotional support from your parents, siblings and adult friends, not your children.
7. Don’t force your kids to grow up and be "the man of the house" or "my little woman." Children need and deserve their time to be children.
