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Breaking Free From Domestic Violence

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Note to readers: Between 91-95% of all documented reports of adult domestic violence are women abused by their male partners. Physical abuse of men by their female partners and violence in gay and lesbian relationships accounts for the remaining number of documented reports. Because the vast majority of victims of adult domestic violence are women who are abused by their male partners, this article will refer to victims as female and abusers as male.

Domestic violence is the most widespread form of violence in the U.S. and is the single largest cause of injury to women. Every year, an estimated 3 to 4 million women in the U.S. are beaten in their homes by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends.

If you are a women being hurt or abused by your partner, the following information can help you to understand your situation and find ways to change it.

What is abuse?
Abuse is about control. It is one person scaring another person into doing what he wants her to do. It is not just one hit. It is a pattern. Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual or economic. It is usually a whole series of behaviors used to get and keep control.

Counter to commonly accepted beliefs, abuse is not caused by stress, anger or abuse of alcohol or other drugs. Battering has much more to do with a man's attitudes and beliefs about how men and women should relate in intimate relationships. In general, batterers believe that they have a right to enforce their will on their female partners.

Physical abuse
Physical abuse is a pattern of physical assaults, threats or restraints. It is violence used to control another person. Men who batter scare women into doing what they want them to do.
Physical abuse may include the following:

• Hitting, grabbing, choking, biting, slapping, kicking, pushing
  
• Assault with a gun or knife or some other kind of weapon
  
• Hitting with an object like a bat, pan or belt
  
• Holding, tying or restraining her
  
• Leaving her in a dangerous place
  
• Refusing to help when she is sick or injured

Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse is mistreating and controlling another person through her feelings. It includes insulting, giving orders and saying things to confuse the partner. The emotional abuser makes the partner feel afraid, helpless or worthless.

Emotional abuse may include the following:

• Threats of harm
  
• Physical and social isolation
  
• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
  
• Deprivation
  
• Intimidation
  
• Degradation and humiliation
  
• Calling her names and constantly criticizing, insulting and belittling
  
• False accusations, blaming her for everything
  
• Ignoring, dismissing, ridiculing her needs
  
• Lying, breaking promises, destroying trust
  
• Driving fast and recklessly to frighten and intimidate her

Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is mistreatment by means of sexual acts, demands or insults. It can be partly physical and partly emotional.

Sexual abuse may include the following:

• Trying to make her perform sexual acts against her will
  
• Pursuing sexual activity when she is not fully conscious, is afraid to say no, or is not asked
  
• Hurting her physically during sex
  
• Coercing her to have sex without protection against pregnancy or sexually transmittable diseases
  
• Criticizing her and calling her sexually degrading names

Economic abuse
Economic abuse is controlling another person by restricting economic resources.

Economic abuse may include the following:

• Denying access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards or car
  
• Controlling all of the finances, forcing her to account for everything she spends
  
• Taking her money away
  
• Preventing her from getting or keeping a job or from going to school
  
• Limiting her access to medical, dental or other health care

Abuse usually escalates over time
Battered women consistently report that abuse gets worse over time. As the abuse and isolation get worse, the level of fear and danger they experience increases. The higher the level of fear and danger, the more difficult it can be for a battered woman to achieve safety for themselves and their children.

Planning for your safety
If you are a victim of domestic violence, your life and your safety must be your first concern. Call your employee assistance program, local domestic violence program, or a counselor experienced in working with battered women for information to educate yourself about domestic violence and safety planning. They can help you develop a personalized safety plan and also provide additional resources for help.

Breaking free of domestic violence
Today, more and more women are saying "No" to domestic violence. Usually, they must do this by separating from an abusive man. Deciding whether to leave or stay is the first hard step to being free.

Fortunately, there are numerous resources available to help battered women. Most communities have domestic violence programs that provide free and confidential service to battered women and their children. They understand the criminal justice, family court and social services systems, and are familiar with other community resources. Getting help from someone who has experience working with victims of domestic violence and who knows how to work with the different systems can make things a lot easier for you. An advocate can even accompany you to court or to the police station to provide practical and emotional support.

Some facts about domestic violence:

• Every 15 seconds a women is battered
  
• 4,000 women die each year as a result of domestic violence
  
• Battering is the single major cause of injury to women aged 14-45, causing more injuries than auto accidents, muggings and rape combined.
  
• Domestic violence occurs in every socio-economic class, religion, race, educational level, and cultural group.
  
• Abuse escalates over time, often starting as verbal attacks, erupting into violence and becoming increasingly violent.
  
• Between 50-70% of men who abuse their female partners also physically abuse their children.