breaking up is hard to do |
Although relationships often appear to end abruptly, closer inspection reveals that the disintegration of the relationship is a gradual process. When an intimate relationship ends, each member of the couple will experience a variety of intense emotional, physical, mental and behavioral reactions. Stages the couples commonly pass through as they break up can be identified as follows:
Stage 1 - DISILLUSIONMENT
Each member of the couple begins to realize that the romantic pictures he/she has of the other partner differs from reality. If the couple does not take this stage as an opportunity to renegotiate their spoken and unspoken relationship contracts, they may quietly move on to the next stage.
Stage 2 - EROSION
When either partner repeatedly represses his/her fiery feelings, such as disappointment, hurt, anger, they will wear away at the relationship. The repressed feelings may be indirectly expressed through subtle means such as avoidance or put-down behaviors. A couple who works through such feelings and resolves the conflict situation will renew their relationship. The couple who fails to do so moves on to the next stage.
Stage 3 - DETACHMENT
The intense feelings experienced during the erosion stage change to ambivalence or apathy. One or both partners may begin to take steps toward independence. Once either of the partners move to this stage, the prognosis is poor for a renewed commitment.
Stage 4 - PHYSICAL SEPARATION
The decision has been made by one or both partners to end the relationship. This can mean not only the loss of a partner, but also losing some common friends. This is usually the most traumatic stage. Within a small community it is often difficult to achieve total physical separation and escape reminders of the relationship. Initially one may feel shock and disbelief. This is often followed by rapid mood swings, severe loneliness, anxiety, and sometimes, a sense of relief.
Stage 5 - MOURNING
Since the relationship had died, each partner will experience grief in his/her own way. Common emotional reactions are anger, hurt, loneliness, depression, guilt, and helplessness. By allowing oneself to experience the emotional pain of the loss, each ex-partner can expedite the healing process.
Stage 6 - WHO AM I?
Healing has begun. Feelings of both relief and a sense of freedom sometimes result in a period of overreaction. Some people rush right into another relationship, others put energy into other activities, while still others swear off intimate relationships. Two important tasks during this stage are to adjust to living in the environment without the ex-partner and to reevaluate one's beliefs and values regarding relationships. Through this stage a person gains a clearer sense of "who am I?"
State 7 - RENEWAL
In this stage, people develop increased confidence and experience a new feeling of control over their lives. It is at this point that a person genuinely feels ready to reinvest his/her emotional energies into a new, intimate relationship. As old, nonproductive relationships are dropped and growth-enhancing ones are developed, a new support system becomes established. In working through the break up of a relationship, one is rewarded with renewed vitality, self-confidence, and more satisfying relationships.
