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Working Through Relationship Problems: The Benefits of Marriage Counseling

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Less than 5% of divorcing couples seek marital counseling

According to renowned marriage and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, less than 5% of divorcing couples seek marriage counseling. Why do most couples in trouble fail to get professional help? What are the benefits of couples’ counseling? If you’re experiencing marital difficulties, the information below is intended to encourage you and your partner to consider marriage counseling as a way to gain the perspective and skills needed to improve the quality of your marriage, overcome a relationship crisis and/or save your marriage.

Relationship skills must be learned

Listed below are some of the benefits and other important information about marriage/relationship counseling and how it can help:

1. You need to “earn” your way out of a marriage.

Perhaps you’ve heard the preceding phrase, made popular by television psychologist and author Dr. Phil McGraw. “Don’t consider divorce,” says Dr. Phil, “Until you’ve investigated every potential avenue of rehabilitation. Unless you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you’ve tried everything there is, then you’re not ready to be discussing divorce.” Divorcing couples who never attempt to solve their problems by seeking the help of counseling, are throwing their marriages away without even trying.

2. Seek help early.

According to Dr. Gottman, the average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems. Keeping in mind the fact that half of all marriages fail in the first seven years, the average couple lives for far too long with unhappiness. Marriage therapists agree that more couples can be helped if they seek help earlier, and if you wait too long to seek marriage counseling, the odds are against you.

3. Why couples don’t go to counseling.

The following are some of the top reasons why couples say they do not go to marriage counseling, with some counter arguments that offer a more positive and healthy perspective:

• They feel they should be able to “fix” the situation themselves. It’s a fallacy to believe that you should be able to fix everything. Most of us are not naturally equipped with the relationship skills needed to maintain a marriage or solve problems within a marriage. Relationship skills must be learned. The willingness to seek outside help for a problem is actually a sign of strength, your willingness to change and learn, and your commitment to your marriage.
• They feel it is their partner who has the problem, so why should they go to counseling. First off, rarely is anyone 100 percent of the blame. If your focus and energy is only on what your spouse has done wrong, then you’re not realistically addressing issues and solutions. Marriage is a team effort and if your partner has a problem, then you have a problem too. You need to be a part of the solution. Playing the blame game does not produce change or lead to solutions. At the very least, a skillful therapist can help you learn better ways to respond to your partner, to help yourself, and perhaps your partner as well.
  
• They feel embarrassed to discuss their personal issues with a “stranger.” This may be true at the very beginning of counseling, but a skillful therapist can usually encourage a feeling of warmth, trust and security fairly quickly.
  
• They feel that marriage counseling is expensive. Yes, there is no question that taking positive and determined action to address relationship problems requires families to spend money, but failing to take action often costs significantly more later when you consider the cost of divorce, maintaining two households, the emotional costs for any children involved and other ways divorce affects everyone’s lives.

4. How can marriage counseling help?

Marriage counseling is generally provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus – a couple’s relationship.

Marriage counseling affords you and your spouse numerous ways to bring about change that you would not normally know how to accomplish on your own. It provides a safe and supportive environment for you to identify and communicate the issues, feelings and behaviors that are bothering you, to facilitate understanding and positive change. A qualified marriage and family therapist can provide instruction, coaching and feedback to help you develop new skills to improve your marriage, including:

• Learning ways to communicate better
  
• Learning how to argue in a healthier way
  
• Learning how to resolve conflict and problem solve in a productive manner
  
• Learning appropriate expression, disclosure and resolution of painful emotions
  
• Learning how to state your needs clearly and openly within your relationship
  
• Learning how to work through unresolved issues
  
• Learning how to negotiate for change within your relationship

5. Marriage counseling is hard work.

For marriage counseling to be effective, you must approach counseling with a realistic attitude. Don’t expect a quick fix, or that the counselor will be doing all of the work. Marriage counseling is hard work for the participants. The process of unlearning bad habits and learning new, more effective habits is often intense, frustrating and exhausting. Expect the process to be difficult and take time, but that it can be worth the effort.

6. How did I contribute to this problem?

The reason to participate in counseling is to learn how to change. You must be willing to change to make counseling work. A sure sign of your willingness is asking yourself, “How did I contribute to this problem?” Simply put, you got yourself into this mess and now it’s up to you to change it. Taking responsibility for your share of your marital problems is the first step toward finding effective solutions. Don’t expect to change your partner. No one has the power to change another person. Instead, focus on learning what you contribute to your marital problems and changing your own attitude, behavior and skills.

7. What if your partner refuses to go to counseling?

If your partner is reluctant to go to couples' counseling, share this article with them. Emphasize that the purpose of counseling is not to “rake them through the coals” in a blame session, but to utilize the help of a trained professional counselor to help you as a couple find solutions to your marital difficulties. If your partner still refuses to go to marriage counseling, go alone. While not ideal, you can still learn tools and new approaches to improve your marriage. Even better, when you begin to approach your partner differently and handle relationship problems differently, your partner may begin to see the benefit of relationship counseling and agree to participate with you. Whether or not your partner agrees to participate, by choosing marriage counseling, you are saying that your marriage is important and worth fighting for.

NOTE: Only you know what you can tolerate in a difficult and stressful relationship and still remain emotionally healthy. Additionally, some problems within a relationship may reach beyond the scope of therapy. Relationships in which physical or sexual abuse is an issue, may require other forms of intervention. Do not endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an abusive relationship. Seek professional help immediately.