Better Communication: Making Sure Your ood Ideas Get Included |
Have you ever felt treated like an outsider, cut out of the loop on an important decision, or thwarted in your attempts to improve a situation that definitely needed to be improved? Even if your good ideas were exactly what a particular group could benefit from using, possibly there was a powerful insider or a few entrenched keepers of the status quo who found a way to shoot down your suggestions.
According to Leonard Felder, Ph.D., author of the new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, “You are not alone. Most innovative, smart, and helpful men and women have felt at times as if their good ideas were bumping up against heavy resistance from people who feel threatened by anyone who’s suggesting even the most realistic and positive changes.”
It might be a situation in your extended family where you have some outstanding ideas on how to improve the next family gathering, but a certain powerful relative tends to veto anything that alters “the way we’ve always done it before.” Or at work you might have a creative new solution to a long-standing problem, but one of the higher ups is opposed to any changes you suggest. Or you belong to a church, temple, parent-teacher association, condo association, or volunteer group where you’ve come up with some excellent suggestions for improving things, but one or two cliquish insiders manage to thwart any possibility of trying something new.
Dr. Felder has found repeatedly in his 25 years as a psychotherapist and organizational consultant that, “It’s frustrating for you personally and it’s inefficient for the group as a whole when great new ideas get shot down by stubborn insiders who refuse to listen to anyone but their loyal inner circle.”
Becoming more effective as a change-agent
In his book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED, Felder suggests a variety of creative ways to get your ideas included and taken seriously, even in groups, families, and organizations that have been hesitant about change for many years. Here are three realistic steps that can improve the clout and impact you have in any situation where you have great ideas that are slightly ahead of your peers:
1. Start by taking the chip off your shoulder. Felder has found that many people who have been treated like an outsider in their family, their workplace, or their volunteer activities tend to get a chip on their shoulder – a verbal or nonverbal attitude that communicates to the group, “I know you’re not going to like what I’m about to say, but here goes anyway.” He suggests, “Rather than sabotaging your own good ideas by the resentful way you present them, why not try something different this time.” He recommends saying to yourself, “Since my good idea can definitely help this group, family, or organization, my biggest challenge is to find the right allies, the right wording, and the right timing for building a supportive consensus.”
For example, if you have been a sometimes-overlooked member of a parent-teacher association, a condo association, a religious group, or a social group where a few insiders have tended to shoot down your good ideas repeatedly, you might be tempted to be sarcastic or ironic the next time you offer a new suggestion, as if to say, “You all have never taken my ideas seriously and I don’t expect much support on this one either.” Or you can say to yourself, “I think this group could benefit from this new idea, but only if I break my old pattern and I do it smarter this time by finding the right teammates, the right type of presentation, and the precise moments when people tend to be most open to hearing something new and different.”
2. Have a brainstorming phone call or lunch with one or two insiders who are secure enough and smart enough to back you up on this new idea. Usually when a person looks at a cliquish group, he or she thinks they are all in agreement and that no one will ever have the courage to step outside the status quo and support any changes. But if you look carefully at any group, family, or organization you will find a few somewhat-innovative insiders who have the wisdom and the strength to break with the pack occasionally to support needed changes. Identifying those few insiders who are willing to align themselves with an insightful outsider is crucial to whether or not your good ideas will be heard and taken seriously.
For instance, in your extended family it might be pointless to suggest to the most rigid family members any changes in the way the next family holiday gathering will take place unless you first identify and build an alliance with one or two creative insiders who have the clout to influence the rigid insider who is most resistant to making any changes. Only when you have the backing and support of these important allies (the creative insiders who are secure enough and smart enough to speak up for good new solutions) can your excellent ideas receive the hearing and consideration they deserve.
3. Make sure the most rigid or cautious insiders know ahead of time that you aren’t trying to disrupt or change most of the things they cherish, but that you are offering a small, helpful solution to one specific problem that almost everyone knows could use some improvement. Rather than seeing the cautious or stubborn insider (who tends to shoot down your good ideas) as an all-powerful giant, consider for a moment that this flesh-and-blood human being might actually be quite insecure or quite afraid of losing something if changes are made. This person will need some reassurance from you and others so that he or she knows you aren’t trying to shift too many things that are familiar and comforting to this person.
You may need to tell him or her, “We definitely want to keep most of the traditions the way they’ve always been, but we’re just trying out a temporary experiment to see if we can improve this one particular aspect that hasn’t been working lately. How about if we try the temporary experiment just this once and then we’ll see if it improves things or if we should go back to what we had before.” Using this kind of compassionate, gentle, reassuring approach will often help an entrenched insider to see that your outsider insights are not as threatening as they first thought they might be.
Recommended Reading: FITTING IN IS OVERRATED: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, by Leonard Felder, Ph.D., offers practical tips and inspiring true examples regarding how to be sure your good ideas for making positive changes get the support they deserve (even in a family, a group, or an organization where change doesn’t come easily). For more information, log onto www.fittinginisoverrated.com.
