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Growing Through A Personal Crisis

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By Denise Bonner, Ph.D.

For me, the crisis began with a phone call, “Your mother has lung cancer.” A crisis is like a bomb that explodes in your life and shatters it. It is a state of tremendous upheaval, hurt and despair, caused by a specific experience, whether it be the death of a loved one, getting fired from a job, being victimized, the loss of a special relationship, or finding out you or someone you love has a serious illness.

To be alive and to be human is to know crisis; no one is immune. Somewhere, sometime, in some way you will face a crisis or have faced a crisis. If so, you know how it feels and what it can do to you. When a crisis occurs, you may discover that your normal coping skills no longer work. If you could handle the upset by using your normal problem-solving skills you would not be experiencing a crisis – a very rough time, but not a crisis.

In my profession as a psychotherapist, I help people deal with and effectively move through crisis periods. I know no one is immune to crisis, including myself. And yet, as bad as it is, as terrible as it makes you feel, a crisis can be survived. What is more, a time of crisis can be turned into a time of growth. Through crisis the possibility exists for creating something new and better and you can emerge from crisis a stronger, wiser and more capable person.

You may notice that people who have grown through a crisis often talk about how they have been transformed in some way by the traumatic experience. For example, you may know someone who has suffered a physical crisis where there has been a loss of physical functioning. This person may talk about the fact that they discovered new skills and resources they had never known before. They may talk about growing closer to others or learning to express their caring or needs more openly.

Why do some people emerge transformed by crisis, and show great benefit from the experience, while others remain stifled, bitter, angry, closed or hurting?

Learning how to grow through crisis

Consider the following suggestions to help you grow through a crisis:

1. Take care of yourself. Physical strain always accompanies the psychological strain of a crisis. Tiredness, sleep issues, disturbed eating patterns, heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, headaches, neck or back pain, muscular tension or pain, nausea or stomach ache – many or all of these can accompany a crisis. Pay attention to any symptoms you may be experiencing and practice known health practices to help lessen their impact on your health and well being. Be sure to:

• Eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Limit your intake of caffeine, alcohol and sugar.
  
• Avoid use of tobacco or other drug use.
  
• Exercise for at least 30 minutes most days. Consider taking a brisk walk each day. Exercise can dissipate stress energy, lift your mood and provide a wonderful, built-in time for thinking and reflecting.
  
• Practice some form of relaxation daily. To help your body relax, try deep breathing. Take some time each day to sit for 5-10 minutes and simply breathe. This will lower the amount of tension you hold in your body and improve your state of mind.
  
• Get adequate sleep. Try to get 7-9 hours of sleep each night.

2. Express painful emotions. The most common aspect of a crisis that I frequently hear expressed is that the whole experience feels terrible. Many powerful emotions are felt in a crisis – sorrow, anger, anxiety, fear, confusion, helplessness. If not expressed, these emotions will be bottled up in some way and prolong or increase your distress.

People who survive and grow through a crisis come to terms with these powerful emotions. In the early stages of a crisis, it is important to identify the feelings and express them in healthy ways. This expression of feelings relieves some of the intensity so that you can begin to make sense of your feelings and understand what they mean in your life and in this current crisis. Keeping a journal, talking to a close friend, a spouse, your physician, a psychotherapist, or clergy person are all important resources that can be used to express your feelings.

3. Develop a new mental perspective. When I listen to people in crisis the most common comment I hear is, “I never expected this to happen to me.” This feeling is very normal, but suggests that there is a need to gain a mental grasp of the crisis, to analyze all of the components that are contributing to the crisis. Growing through a crisis means adapting mentally and developing new thoughts, beliefs and understandings regarding how you interpret the crisis and how you think about it. To gain a healthier mental perspective, follow these steps:

Learn everything you can about the crisis. The more you know it, the better you’ll be able to deal with it. What happened to cause the crisis? How is this crisis affecting you now? Face the painful facts.

Analyze how the crisis has shattered your expectations, dreams or goals. Ask yourself: “What’s the worse thing that can happen as a result of this crisis? What do I stand to lose because of this crisis? Who or what is in control of the effects of this crisis now?” Identify where the repair work is needed.

Develop a new mental map. The new map contains revised dreams and goals. Begin by identifying your opportunities. Ask yourself, in light of this crisis: “What are my possibilities and opportunities for growing? For learning? For becoming wiser? Stronger? Healthier? More loving? More productive? What benefits or gains are hidden in this crisis?”

A crisis shakes your stable world, forcing changes upon you that you do not want, changes that can make your life miserable, painful and difficult. You may wonder if you can ever feel good about your life again. But with this change comes an opportunity to learn and improve. The one positive resolution to crisis is growth.

If you are in the midst of a crisis, remind yourself that nothing is permanent and that all things will one day come to an end, including bad episodes. Reach out to family, friends, support groups or clergy for help and support, or seek professional help. Follow the suggestions above to grow through the crisis.

Surviving A Crisis: Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s

• Do allow yourself time to talk, be angry, cry, laugh and grieve according to your needs.
  
• Do allow your children to share in your distress and encourage them to express their emotions.
  
• Do face reality, even if it is painful: return to the scene, inspect damage, or in the case of the death of someone you love, view the body or attend the memorial service.
  
• Do spend time with people who care about you, or seek comfort and help from a support group.
  
• Do spend time alone when you need it.
  
• Do recognize that everyone expresses things in their own way. Men may find it harder to express emotion and weep. Children may need encouragement and support to express themselves.
  
• Do express your needs clearly and honestly to family, friends or co-workers.
  
• Do exercise and make time for recreation and rest. Get adequate sleep.
  
• Do return to everyday routines and familiar activities as soon as possible – even in small ways. Do things that are active and useful (however, be careful to avoid over-activity).

Don’ts

• Don’t hold in your feelings.
  
• Don’t avoid talking or thinking about what has happened.
  
• Don’t isolate yourself or think that you have to handle it all on your own.
  
• Don’t block your feelings by being over-busy or working overly long hours.
  
• Don’t increase smoking, drinking or drug taking.