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Dealing With Difficult People At Work

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Do you have frustrating days when someone at work drives you a little bit nuts? Is there a difficult boss, co-worker, or customer who repeatedly gets on your nerves?

"You're not alone," says Len Felder, Ph.D., a psychologist in West Los Angeles and author of Does Someone At Work Treat You Badly? Felder suggests, "A major factor in being successful at work is learning how to stay healthy, clear-minded and thoroughly professional when you're faced with extremely difficult people."

For example, if you are confronted often by a volatile, impatient or verbally assaultive individual at work, here are some of the costs you might be facing:

Is This Person Getting To You?

1. Do you feel tongue-tied or frozen inside, unable to function at your best after a verbal assault from this difficult person?
2. Do you sometimes think about quitting because this person has soured your feelings about your job or career?
3. Do you sometimes get caught up in thoughts of revenge or getting back at this person for mistreating you?
4. Are you beginning to notice physical symptoms - headaches, stomach problems, back tensions, itchy skin rashes, or increased susceptibility to colds and flu's - because of your repeated encounters with this toxic person?
5. Does working with an angry or impatient person cause you to make more mistakes, forget things, or hold back your creativity or good ideas?
6. Does working with a verbally assaultive person wear you down such that you are becoming more impatient and short tempered with your loved ones?

What You Can Do About It

According to Dr. Felder, there are several positive steps you can take to improve your health and personal effectiveness when confronted by even the most difficult bosses, co-workers or customers. He advises:

1. Protect Yourself by Using a Silent Refocusing Technique. Anyone who has studied meditation knows that even in the middle of stormy chaos you can regain your calm and strength by repeating a silent word or phrase. When an angry or verbally abusive person begins to speak, say to yourself silently over and over again: "Hear the valuable stuff. Ignore the anger. It's not yours." No matter how insulting or oppressive the other person acts, you can maintain your inner strength and your professionalism by staying focused and alert as you repeat this simple phrase.

2. Find the Vulnerable Spot. It helps to notice something imperfect, awkward or humorous about the other person so that you won't feel one-down or intimidated. For instance, silently look over and find something about this angry person's physical appearance, way of moving, or way of speaking that is quite vulnerable or humorous. Or say to yourself, "I'm glad I'm not this person's gall bladder" or "I'm glad I'm not this person's spouse or offspring."

3. Use a Comeback Line That Shows Caring and Professionalism. Rather than being defensive or argumentative, the best way to handle a verbally aggressive person is to show concern and take the lead in offering to help this irate person to find a solution to the problem. In other words, don't become this person's enemy but rather become this person's strong and professional ally right from the start.

You can calm even the most volatile customer by saying, "Let me write this down. I really want to make sure I get what you're saying here." Just pulling out a pad of paper and starting to write down this person's concerns will force him or her to speak slower and to start treating you like a trusted ally.

Or you can calm an explosive or irate boss by saying, "Let's make sure we get this thing handled right this time. You go first and I won't interrupt until you're done. I want to hear exactly what you need." Instead of being a passive doormat for the other person's anger, you've now established that you are professional and actively involved in the solution. This will demonstrate over time that you deserve respect and trust, rather than additional verbal abuse.