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Six Common Mistakes That Spoil Conversations

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by Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.

It's always easier to be aware of another's conversational mistakes than our own. Our own mistakes are so habitual, so well-intentioned, they easily escape our notice. We are just being ourselves, right? Nonetheless, others making mistakes can be our teachers, if only by serving as negative examples.

These conversational mistakes apply to both social and business conversations. They are mistakes because they injure the integrity of the conversation by blocking its flow, creating frustration, and reducing understanding and satisfaction. Here are six of the most common mistakes that spoil conversations:

1. Blabbermouthing

Talking too much, way out of balance, going on and on without giving the other(s) their turn. The one who hogs the talk-channel soon frustrates others and they tune out the blabbermouth. Involved in their own monologues, blabbers feel some satisfaction in carrying on - even when they have lost the involvement of the (former) listener.

Some professionals suffer from the occupational hazard of this mistake - professors, clergy, speakers and trainers, and others who are paid to talk for a living.

2. The "take-away" and "me-too" syndrome

A talker begins a topic and the listener grabs it away and opens a me-centered monologue. You say, "I saw a great movie last weekend…" and the listener-soon-to-be talker says, "Oh? I saw one, too…" and begins to describe their experience.

The initiator of the movie topic is unable to complete their thought because it's been high-jacked. This is a very childlike and frustrating behavior, and eventually drives people away.

3. Unsolicited advice

Some people are quick to give advice as soon as the other person mentions a problem. "Have you thought of…? "Why don't you…?" erupt quickly from their overflowing volcanoes of counsel.

Men seem especially prone to this tendency, although women are not immune from it. It is also prevalent among "professional know-it-alls" such as teachers, managers, administrators, and some lawyers, ministers, and counselors.

When offered to friends and other peers, the advice-giver assumes the authority or even parenting role and that can be off-putting. Better to let the person finish and then, perhaps, to ask, "Are you asking for my opinion?" or "What alternatives have you thought of?"

4. Interrupting

This means butting in before your partner has completed the thought. Usually this is done because the interrupting people are impatient and are afraid of not getting their thoughts expressed.

Many of these interruptions occur on TV interviews when the host has guests with opposing views. The guests butt in, over-talk, even shout in order to get in their words. (According to some producers, this makes for exciting television. I think it simply creates an annoyance.)

5. Contradicting

This is the ultimate conversation-blocker. Although great in structured debate, direct disagreement is not helpful in conversation, which is at its best when it’s mutual and collaborative.

"I disagree with you," or the more gingerly, "Yes, BUT," are in plentiful supply in many conversations and another form of the "I'm right, you're wrong" game. (If chocolate is right, must vanilla be wrong? Or just different?)

The better way is to hear out the point of view being expressed, check that you understand it, then offer "My view is different from yours. Let me explain." People who feel heard and understood are more likely to hear and understand someone expressing a different view.

6. Stingy contributors

This describes the people who listen, take and receive, but don't give.

They contribute little enthusiasm, information, self-disclosure, acknowledgement, compliments or other elements that lift a conversation. They like to "pick the brains" of others, but contribute nothing. They take few risks, and while others share personal experiences, the "stingy contributor" remains cool and contained with personal matters. This cautious, ungenerous style causes an out-of-balance conversation in which real trust can never exist.

When you find you are becoming frustrated or annoyed in a conversation, there is a good chance that the other party is exhibiting one of these mistakes. You are experiencing how these mistake patterns cause problems. With your heightened awareness, now work to eliminate them from your own repertoire.

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people. His weekly skill-building ezine, Better Conversations, is complimentary and can be subscribed to at his website, http://www.conversationmatters.com. Additional resources and articles are also available on the website.

Additional Help

Nine Little Things To Improve Conversation

by Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.

In serious conversation, and also in social small talk, little things can have a big impact. Here are nine little things you can add to enhance the quality of your conversations:

1. Use the other person's name from time to time during the talking, such as, “I agree with you, Betty, and will support your proposal.” Our names are precious to us and nearly everyone has a feel-good experience when being addressed by name. “Gary, would you call me tomorrow with the quote?”
2. Instead of asking general questions such as, “How's it going?” ask specific personal questions like, “How does your son like dental school?” Being specific shows that you remember details about matters important to the other person, such as the family, special
   interests, certain challenges. Routine and general questions usually elicit only routine responses like, “Fine thanks.”
3. Lighten up the talk with a smile. Even with serious topics, a friendly smile can be appropriate and can add a measure of good will that is helpful in advancing understanding (Being serious tends to suppress feelings and makes the tone of our conversation seem flat). Relax, drop your shoulders and breathe.
4. Respect people's time for talking so that you don't hold them hostage. If you're uncertain ask, “Do you have a few minutes to talk now?” This is especially useful for telephone conversations.
   
5. Give the other converser their turn to talk. You can do this by talking in paragraphs, not chapters, and then signaling it's their turn with a question like, “What are your thoughts?”
6. Adjust your voice controls for easy listening. These include speed, volume, pitch and tone of voice, so that listening to you can actually be pleasurable.
7. Share some information of value to the other, perhaps a tip like, “I just found a great car mechanic, who does good work and is really reasonable.” Or, “I know you like history, Fred, so you might enjoy that new film June and I saw last week. It's about the Civil War.”
8. When you're with someone, give your full attention. The gift of your presence and attention is quietly powerful and strengthens relationships. Fully engaged listening is rare in our multi-tasking worlds of work and home. When you listen, just listen. Don't wander.
9. End your conversation gracefully and not abruptly. When appropriate, thank or compliment the other person when you are ending. “I really enjoyed talking with you and understand the situation much better now. Thanks a lot.”

These little things add a quality of civility and care to any conversation. Ultimately, they mean a lot because your attitudes tend to be reciprocated. When you pay attention and include these little things, others will often do these same things for you and that makes for a satisfying talk.